


I Will Always Be There To Hold Your Hand

by Kabella



Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019)
Genre: M/M, Terrorcest - Freeform, chez lexx is the place to be, fancy dinner, filthy pigs, mick is upset, nikki hurts, nikki is the target, snooty, tommy leaves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:33:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25256227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kabella/pseuds/Kabella
Summary: Tommy's and Nikki's relationship has been found out. Mick is not happy, and devises a plan to "help" Nikki understand things better. It calls for Tommy to be away for the weekend. Only thing, it's bad timing.
Relationships: Tommy Lee/Nikki Sixx
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've suddenly lost my gusto for writing. Seriously, I don't think a day has gone by since last September that I haven't not written something. It's now been 4 days that I haven't written anything. I'm in the middle of a story, and I have ideas, but I keep putting it off. Not sure why. I will get back to it and finish soon, I promise.
> 
> In the meantime I thought that maybe I would put up another storyline from my Wattpad Crue adventure book. This one stems from where 'Zero' started, with Mick walking into T&L's apartment and he hears them having sex behind a bedroom door. I'm leaving that chapter off here since it's posted already with Zero. This picks up after Mick comes storming back to his own apartment that he shares with Vince. 
> 
> Just a reminder- the band is in Vancouver recording. They're sober at this time.
> 
> This story is about Tommy leaving Nikki at home alone as he goes out. Tomorrow, I'm going to post a corresponding story of Nikki leaving Tommy at home as he goes out. 
> 
> These are a few more of my favorites from the book.

"FUCK YOU!!!" You 3 idiots are going to be the death of me!" Mick screams, pulling his boots off, chucking them up against the wall.

"What the hell did I do?" Vince stands up, angry, waving his hands.

"You're breathing and pissing me off. That's what!"

"Seriously, Mick. Is this what it's going to be like everyday here?! I rather go over to the other apartment and sleep on their couch, then deal with your constant bad mood 24/7."

"I'd advise against that," Mick says, getting food and drink from the kitchen.

"I guess you want to keep me here then just to exhibit your sadistic behavior to someone to make you feel good about yourself. Well, fuck you. I'm not your whipping boy. Seriously, man. Get a grip, or this isn't going to end well," Vince huffs, storming off to his bedroom, slamming the door.

Mick doesn't know why the sight of Vince is pissing him off, probably just because he's on the same level of stupidity as the other 2, and Mick's at his wit's end with their damn, foolish antics.

He decides that he's going to lay down for a while before dinner and will approach Nikki about what he heard after dinner, or privately during a lull.

\------------------------------------------

**Tommy and Nikki are lying in bed..~**

"What do you think Mick is going to say or do?" Tommy asks.

"What can he do?" Nikki shrugs. "I guess I'm more anxious over what he's going to say. I don't like that he knows."

"I wouldn't worry about it. Who cares. We've been caught, literally, with our pants down so many other times."

"Not the same, T. I have no problem banging my groupies right in front you guys. I can even deal with getting caught with someone else's girl. This is not even in the same realm as those things."

"It will be OK. We stick together," Tommy says, rolling over to kiss Nikki. "Love you, and nobody is going to fuck with that."

"Love you too," Nikki replies, trying to force a smile.

\--------------------------

**At the restaurant, after the band meeting and dinner ~**

"Well guys, it's been a pleasure. I am excited to start working with you. See you at the studio in a couple days," Bob, their new record producer says, getting up to leave, along with Doc.

"Well, be there," Nikki says, waving him off. "Be right back, gotta hit the john before we go."

"Hey, why don't you two go wait out in the limo. I'll be right out," Mick suggests to Tommy and Vince.

Vince complies, while Tommy gives a cautious stare to Mick, assuming he might be off to say something to Nikki about what he discovered about them earlier.

"Tom? Come on," Vince says, grabbing onto Tommy's arm. "You're in la-la land again."

"I'm good. I just was thinking about something. Let's go."

Mick waits for Nikki to come out of the bathroom, waiting near the door. When he emerges, Mick motions him to come talk in the empty banquet room for a minute.

"What are you going to say to me?" Nikki says, already in defense mode.

"What the hell are you thinking?" Mick spits.

"It's not your business," Nikki replies.

"This is going to mess things up, Nikki."

"It hasn't yet, and I said that it's not your business."

"So what are you gay?"

Nikki smirks, "Again, none of your business.""

"It is when the image of our band is damaged because of this."

"And tell me how that's going to happen? You going to say something?"

"Someone is eventually going to find out. Tommy is married, you know."

"Oh, is he? Thanks for the newsflash."

"You don't think that Heather is going to find out?"

"No I don't, as long as you keep your fucking mouth shut, and mind your own damn business."

"Isn't that what you wanted too, Nikki? To get married and start a family. How's that going to happen?"

"You know, I get the feeling that you're not actually worried about this getting around, because I'm telling you now that it won't. You just don't don't like what I'm doing because it goes against your ideals, and you think that you know what's best for my life."

"You clearly haven't made very many good decisions for good things in your life. Somebody needs to keep you on track. Drugs, alcohol, reckless behavior, druggie girlfriends, and now this. Seems to me that you need a little help."

"First, your track record of good decision making is nothing to brag about. Secondly, don't put this in with shitty things that I've done and struggled with. You have no idea what we have between us. All I'm going to tell you is that it's highly unlikely that I'd be standing here with you right now if I didn't have what I have."

"Ha. Tommy Lee, Captain of the Morons, saving lives. I can see the headline," Mick smirks.

"We're done," Nikki says, turning away to walk out.

Mick grabs his wrist, "We're not done!"

"This isn't a joke to me. You insult me and you insult Tommy, I think we're done!" Nikki growls.

"I'm sorry, Nikki. I guess I didn't mean that, but he's just content to follow you around and do what you do. I just can't understand it. Don't you want a family?"

"Why am I the only one you're confronting? Is it because Tommy is already married, and so he obviously has some hope for a, quote, normal outcome?"

Mick can't answer.

"This is none of your damn business. I can do what I fucking want to do. And guess what? I can still get fucking married some day. Don't try to run my life. You do not know anything about my needs. And what I don't need right now is a girlfriend interfering with shit, just to make you happy. It's not what will make me happy. Tommy makes me happy. We're up here working on an album. I'm trying to learn to live life, sober. I'm not looking for someone else right now."

"Fine, Nikki. But, I still think you're just confused and seeking approval from the wrong places. You're going to get fucked over in the end."

"Thank you for your unsolicited, close-minded evaluation. Can we fucking leave now?"

"Listen, Nikki. I'm just looking out for your best interests. You seemed to have a lot of say when I started seeing Emi."

"Fair enough, but it's obvious I was wrong, wouldn't you say?"

"Emi has someone that she thinks would be perfect for you."

"Oh so now Emi knows my type."

"Well, I guess apparently not, now that I know that you like ugly 6 foot 2 motherfuckers."

"Told you, I'm not interested right now."

"Emi and I think that you're a prick on most days because you're sexually frustrated, not having found the right person for yourself. Who are you going to hold hands with in public? Who are you going to have on your arm at gala events? Tommy is going to be busy with Heather on his arm."

"I am far from sexually frustrated, and I have found the right person. I don't need anyone on my arm! We're done. See you in the limo," Nikki says, walking out.

\-------------------------------

**Nikki climbs into the limo, followed by Mick.**

"Damn, Nik. Did you eat something bad tonight? Took a long, fucking time," Vince asks.

"I don't feel very good, Vin," Nikki replies, turning towards the window to look out, arms resting up on it, with his head resting on them.

"Aw, poor thing. Tom, you can use our bathroom tonight. Nikki might be tying yours up for a few hours, Vince laughs.

"Vin, stop," Tommy says, sensing something is wrong.

"Fuck you, Tom. Go ahead take your pisses in the sink while he commandeers the shitter. Maybe you can help him wipe his broken-down ass when he's done," Vince snickers.

"Vince, shut the fuck up!" Mick screams.

"Oh shit. The demon spawn has just awoken," Vince quips.

"Just shut your fucking trap for the ride, will you?!" Mick snaps.

"Bunch of lame asses in here. Get a fucking grip guys," Vince huffs, lighting up a cigarette as a distraction.

When they arrive back to the apartment, Nikki makes a beeline straight for his bedroom. Tommy knows that Nikki is upset about something. He slips his boots off, then goes to Nikki's room, and sees him turned away, lying on his bed.

Tommy crawls up onto the bed, rubbing Nikki's shoulder. "Are you OK?" he asks, now realizing that Nikki is crying. "Oh my god, Nikki, what happened?"

"I don't like having my feelings invalidated because they don't line up with what someone else thinks is best for me," Nikki chokes out.

"I guess Mick doesn't agree?" Tommy says, stroking Nikki's hair.

"That's an understatement. He doesn't understand what you mean to me and what you do for me, and that he thinks that you're nothing more than a brainless pawn that I control."

"Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. I'm used to it."

"Well you're not. And I'm content to be loved just by you, yet that's not what's right for me according to everyone else."

"Who else?"

"Well, no one. But in general, I know that everyone thinks this is wrong. I can't understand why being loved and cared for by someone is so wrong. That should be what they want for me."

"Come here, love," Tommy says, nudging Nikki to sit up for a hug.

Nikki sits and turns towards Tommy, falling into his arms, still crying.

"It's alright, love. Me and you, OK? Tommy says, kissing the top of Nikki's head.

"See, you're OK because you're married. I'm not. I'm just a sexually frustrated fuck up who makes bad decisions and will be sitting by my lonely self for the rest of my life."

"You're not a fuck-up. And you're not alone."

"Well, I always seem to be wrong. Do you think I should be looking for a girlfriend?"

"Nik, that's up to you. I say only when you're ready to do so. You having a girlfriend or not having one, really has nothing to do with us. And I'm not going anywhere. Don't bring things into question if they weren't issues for you before."

"Mick wants to set me up, so someone can hold my hand," Nikki sighs. "Maybe I don't really know what I need."

"I'm here by your side, love, no matter what you decide. Please just don't do things that you're not ready for because someone else has different ideals for you. I'll always be there to hold your hand."

"Except when you're holding Heather's," Nikki reminds him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here comes judgy Heather  
> \---------

"Nik, say what you want to say, but I will always be here for you," Tommy, sighs.

"I know. I'm just overthinking things. I'm here for you too. Even when I'm holding my future girlfriend's hand," Nikki laments

"Yeah, future is right. Come on, think about it. You don't really have the time. You said it yourself.

"I know. I guess being a free agent is good."

"Hey, not that free. Not free at all. You have no fucking time.

Nikki smiles, as Tommy wipes away any evidence of tears on his face with his thumbs. Then Tommy leans in and kisses Nikki all over, where the tears were, landing on his lips eventually.

"Fuck all this shit. Let's enjoy our first night in, and alone," Tommy resolves.

\----------------------------------------------

The weekend came and went. Nikki and Tommy spend as much time together as they could. Nikki wasn't in the mood to see Mick at all, however, Vince nosed his way in a few times; just to hang.

Monday is their first day in the studio. The limo came early to pick the band up to drive them to the studio. Nikki decided to take a hardline approach with Mick, instead of shrinking back, and gave him a challenging glare the entire time in the limo; a way to signal that he's not backing down. When they arrived, they were brought into one of the recording studios, and got situated fairly quickly. Before starting anything, Mick asks to see Nikki outside in the hallway for a minute.

"What was that fucking stare all about in the limo? You have some sort of fucking problem?" Mick asks

"No, I don't. But you seem to. Just letting you know where I stand. Not giving into your idea of what you think is right for me. You don't know what's right for me."

"Fine. No problem Nikki. But I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking, the weekend after next is Memorial Day weekend. We'll have some days off. I thought that it might be good for all of us to bring our women up for the extended weekend. You know, get some hotel rooms to be alone. Thought that we could all do some things together, like seeing some sort of show and dinner. I know you don't have anyone, so Emi still has that friend she can bring with her, so you don't have to be alone."

"You can cut your passive-aggressive bullshit towards me on this topic. The answer is no. I'm not interested right now," Nikki snarls.

"OK, Nik. Sorry. I won't bring it up again. Do whatever makes you happy."

"Planning on it. It's not a big fucking deal, you know. And I don't have a timeline for things. I just know what's good for me right now."

"It's fine, I said. I'm done saying my piece. But, I still plan on trying to get the ladies up here for that weekend."

"Great. I expect you guys to have them here at times. You don't need to fucking announce it like it's something that I'm gonna care about. Let's get back to work."

Mick and Nikki go back to the studio. Bob asks Nikki to share the ideas that he's got so far.

"I've got a ton of stuff in my notebook. Some are just lyrics, some have the beginning workings of music. Some I think are kind of shitty and have no hope of making it to the album, but I just want to demo everything, so at the end we have enough to work with to end up with the absolute best on the album. There won't be any slots left to fill in with something shitty," Nikki says, as he starts thumbing through this notebook.

He names a few songs, like "Dr. Feelgood", which he's leaning towards for the name of the album. He mentions a song called "Slice of Your Pie."

"Heard that you're not so much into pie anymore," Vince snickers, looking at Nikki.

"You heard wrongly, asswipe," Nikki growls.

Nikki is pissed, not only because Mick must have told Vince what he found out, but because he's saying shit like this in front of Bob, who isn't stupid. Everyone knows the slang meaning of pie. Furthermore, why is he always the target? Nothing ever gets said to Tommy.

At lunch time, Nikki confronted Vince and Mick together. Mick shrugged, saying that Vince was going to find out anyway. Vince let Nikki know that it's no big deal, and he suspected it for quite some time already, slapping Nikki on the shoulder, like an old pal.

"Your jokes are not funny. Not in the studio around other people, dickhead!" Nikki says, storming off.

Tommy, found Nikki down the hallway, and insisted that they go outside and blow some steam off. The sun is shining, and it feels like spring in the air.

"Why is it always me that they come after? I don't like being singled out," Nikki complains, motioning for a cigarette from Tommy as he pulls his pack out.

"I don't know, love. There's nothing wrong with you. Well, unless you consider lovesickness a condition. Then we both have it," Tommy says, trying to be cute.

"It just pisses me off. It's not the way to start off our first day in the studio. It's like they're rubbing stuff in my face. I should write a song called Douchebags and dedicate it to them. See how they like it when I present that song," Nikki says, furrowing his brow, as he exhales smoke.

"Go for it. We already have a song called Bastard dedicated to someone. Come on, let's walk around the block."

"I don't have my hat or sunglasses," Nikki protests.

"Who cares. Then we'll sign some fucking autographs if we have to. Something tells me that most of our fans aren't gonna be around here this time of day."

"Bet they are. They know fucking bands are in and out of these doors. But, whatever, let's go," Nikki smirks.

\----------------------------------

The rest of the week, and the following week were pretty uneventful. For the most part, the events of Monday didn't repeat on any other days, and things pretty much went back to normal, as far as the band's camaraderie goes. Vince took a few jabs here and there, but no more in front Bob or other individuals.

The band was able to coordinate bringing their ladies up to Vancouver for the long weekend. Tommy, Vince, and Mick all booking hotel rooms for privacy, away from the apartments. It's Friday morning. The band is not in the studio today, The ladies are arriving in a few hours.

"Are you sure you'll be OK here alone, Nik?"

"Why wouldn't I be? I fucking live alone in L.A." Nikki shrugs. No big deal, right?

"I know. But, you had friends that you could see or familiar places to go to. It's different up here."

"I'm good. I'm going to use the downtime to finish some songs. I'm not locked in here, either. I can still go out."

"I don't know. Something just doesn't feel right. I think maybe it's because me and the rest of the band will all be spending some time together without you. You can still join us, you know, for dinner or whatever we do."

"Tom, I don't want to look like the sore thumb dipshit sticking out. No matter what he says, this being Mick's idea, I know it's all a ploy to let me know what I'm missing out on. And I'm not going to give him the fucking satisfaction of feeling like he affected me in any way. I'm good, Tommy. OK? I know you love me. I'm a little upset that you're spending a few days away with your wife. But you're allowed to do that and expected to do that."

"OK, love. I'm just making sure. I can't help but to still worry about you sometimes," Tommy says, biting his bottom lip.

"I should worry about you. You better fucking behave your night on the town with those other buffoons."

"What the hell kind of trouble can I get in with my wife around?" Tommy smirks. "Hey, come on in my bedroom. Help me pack a few things. Tell me what I look good in. I can model a variety of things for you, and you can help me dress and undress."

Nikki smiles and follows the drummer into his bedroom.

\-----------------------------

The ladies, Sharise, Emi, and Heather, arrived at the airport. The guys, minus Nikki, went to go pick them up. Before heading to the hotels, they're going to come back to the apartments first to check out their living arrangements.

Tommy arrives back with Heather, and they step into the apartment. Nikki is laying on the couch watching TV. He sits up and turns around to face the door when they step in.

"Hey Heather. Welcome to Chez Lexx," Nikki says, smiling at his joke.

"Hi Nikki. And what's that mean?" Heather asks.

"House of Lee and Sixx, abbreviated," Nikki says, with a smirk.

"Sick. And it smells in here. How can you live here, Tommy?"

"What? I don't smell anything."

"I just feel sorry for you. Look, shoes and clothes around, the coffee table is so cluttered with junk, kitchen not cleaned up, and Nikki lounging around in dirty clothes."

"Welcome to my real life, honey. This is who I am underneath it all. Come on, you gotta admit that it's better than a typical bachelor pad. A zillion times better than our pad on Clark St. Good thing you didn't know me back then," Tommy snickers.

"Bachelor pad?" Heather questions.

"Figure of speech," Tommy rolls his eyes.

"You better not be corrupting my husband, Nikki. I know you're usually up to no good. And I'm not impressed by any of this," Heather says, waving her hand around, referring to the state of the apartment. "You probably would have been best off, living with Mick. Vince and Nikki can be dirty pigs together. I know what Vince does too. Poor Sharise. It's not my place to tell her what I know. Glad I have the best of the bunch," Heather says, turning around to lock lips with Tommy.

"It's nice to see you too, Heather." Nikki says, getting up from the couch, scooping up the contents of what's on the coffee tables in his arms, most of it being his music, and tossing it in his bedroom. Then taking the dishes and glasses to the sink to wash, with a smirk on his face. "See, I do know how to clean."

"I'm sure your bedroom tells another story," Heather says, putting her finger down her throat as a gesture of disgust.

"Other then the stuff that I just tossed in there, which was mostly fucking music that I'm working on, you might be pleasantly surprised. Even made my bed this morning," Nikki spouts, partial lie about his bed, because he slept in Tommy's last night.

"No thanks. Not in the mood to wretch or see panties on parade hung all over your lamp shade."

"Suit yourself. Just don't talk shit about me unless you have evidence to back it up, sweetheart."

"Nice mouth," Heather huffs.

"What do you want me to say? You do nothing but dog me for no reason. You might actually like me if you stop looking at me from down your nose for once. I'm not as awful of a person that you believe I am to be"

"With your track record, you have a lot to prove, Nikki."

"I don't have to prove shit. Like me or don't like me. And leave it at that," Nikki says, finishing the last dish, placing it in the drying rack. "Have a great weekend, you two," he says, walking to his room, closing the door.

"Come on, babe. Stop already," Tommy pleads.

"Me? How about him? Snarky ass," Heather spits.

"He's only defending himself. You should give him a chance. He's my best friend, and he's not going anywhere, so it might be in all of our best interest to learn to get along."

"Tell that to him too."

Tommy doesn't think he needs to. He doesn't think that Nikki really said or did anything egregious, but he doesn't want to start the weekend off on the wrong foot. "Ok, babe, I will. Why don't we go? But let me just clear the air with Nikki first and say goodbye to him. Be right back. Take a seat."

"No thanks."

Tommy enters Nikki's room to find him sorting out his music that he threw into his room a few minutes ago.

"Hey, sorry, love," Tommy whispers.

"It's OK. I've accepted that she'll probably never like me, ever since I fucked up as best man at your wedding," Nikki says quietly, getting back on his feet.

"She will some day. I'm working it," Tommy says, trying to convince Nikki.

"No worries. Have fun. I'll miss you and I love you," Nikki says, bringing Tommy in for an embrace.

"Same. I'll call you at some point. OK?" Tommy says, going in for the kiss.

They pull apart, still holding hands as Tommy goes towards the door, dropping hands, once he's out of reach.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy senses something is off. He can't quite put his finger on it.
> 
> ‐---------

Once Tommy and Heather left, Nikki took a deep breath and looked around his room. He thinks he'll collect all of his music and notes together, including the stuff he just manhandled a little while ago, and he'll sit and organize it into some sort of pattern where it will all make sense.

Songs that are done, songs in the process, song ideas, riffs, and melodies. Then maybe further organized into how likely the chances are of that piece being used and brought to life. The only thing is, his inspiration just walked out the door. He knows that nothing is going to sound good right now. He'll nitpick it to death, until the whole thing is turned upside-down and ruined, not even resembling what the song was supposed to be.

Nikki actually believed that he'd be perfectly fine, but once the door clicked shut, reality set in. It's not Tommy being with his wife, it's because this thing was planned with the intention of leaving him out. Both he and Tommy are in this together. Why does Tommy get rewarded and Nikki gets kicked in the gut. The intention, Nikki knows, is to make him realize all of the fun that he's missing out on by not having a date on his arm. However, it's doing nothing but pissing him off. He thinks that he'll just go back to watching TV, as he was before Heather walked in with Tommy, cutting him down to size. He doesn't formulate any plans after that. Maybe he'll just stay in front of the TV all weekend.

\------------------------------------------

Tommy, Vince, Mick, and their ladies meet at an upscale restaurant for a leisurely dinner. They're going to check out a club later.

While Tommy is having a good time, he can't get rid of the gnawing feeling in his gut that Nikki is going to land in some sort of trouble; mostly like some sort of personal turmoil with a series of bad decisions. He tells himself that there really is nothing to worry about. Nikki is not a stranger to being home alone; even after rehab. They had time at home before moving up here. A lot of that time, he spent alone successfully. He'll call him later from a payphone at the club.

As Tommy emerges from his deep thoughts, he hears that everyone at the table is discussing Nikki's lovelife or should we say, lack thereof. It seems to be a big joke to everyone. Someone knows a friend that he can be hooked up with, another thinks that he's too annoying to date. The guys joke about Nikki's right hand, which causes the girls to freak out about too much information, yet laughing at his expense anyway.

"Come on, Tommy. You're his best friend. What his problem. He's got his pick of thousands of girls out there," Sharise asks.

"He doesn't have a problem. He's just focused on our album right now and doesn't have the time to be in a committed relationship," Tommy says, furrowing his brow.

"Don't feel bad for him, I know for a fact that Nikki is still getting a piece of ass nearly everyday," Vince says, sliding his hand on to Tommy ass under the table to pinch it.

This causes Tommy to jump in his seat, banging his knee on the table, leading to a spilled glass of red wine in a tall, tippy glass, from one of the ladies.

"Oh shit. I'm sorry Tommy says, jumping up to sop up the ruby colored liquid with his napkin; Heather placing her hand over her eyes in embarrassment.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Tommy?" Vince laughs out loud.

"What the hell is wrong with you," Mick screeches at Vince, whipping a roll at him.

"Oh my god. I'm at an upscale restaurant with a bunch of fools. Can you all find a way to be less embarrassing, please," Heather pleads.

"Oh come on, honey. You know our boys just like to have a little fun," Sharise sayings, winking at Heather.

"I do too, but this is just foolishness, not fun."

"Sorry, babe. I'll calm myself down," Tommy replies. "Come on guys, grow up." As soon as that left Tommy's lips, he felt like he just crossed the line into a realm of snobbiness; which he made a promise to himself never to conform to. He puts his hand over his face, and says 'fuck' under his breath. Heather elbows him. He shoots her a glare in return.

"Well, I say, Tommy, jolly chap, perhaps upon our return to the Los Angeles area, you'd be such the gentleman to show us around your estate and riding stables. Then perhaps a jaunt out to sea on your stunning yacht. It's such refreshing sport. Pip, pip, tally ho," Vince says, mockingly in his best Robin Leach voice.

"Haha, Vince. Don't be an asshole. I'm just asking for civilized behavior," Heather bleats.

"Lifestyles of the Rich and Snobby," Mick jests, humored by Heather's snooty attitude. He also finds it to be the most suitable time to let a massive belch escape.

"Holy shit, Mick! That thing had hair on it!" Vince exclaims loudly.

"Excuse me. I need to visit the ladies room," Heather says, getting up suddenly, throwing her napkin on the table.

"Come on guys. What the hell?!" Tommy scoffs.

"It's just too easy, Tom," Vince shrugs. "Besides what the fuck is Motley Crue doing in a pompous-ass restaurant like this. I don't want to eat goose pate and shit. A fucking loaded burger would be good right about now."

"Your potty mouth would have just sent her into convulsions," Mick sneers.

"Don't be so judgy, honey. She's just not used to your antics. I'll go calm her down," Emi says, patting Mick on his jaw, excusing herself from the table.

\-----------------------------------------------

The rest of dinner was fairly uneventful. A few jabs in the ribs and hard glares, but the guys toned it down. They arrive at the club, and are led to a private booth. Tommy excuses himself and says that he'll be right back. He finds a payphone outside and calls Nikki. He answers.

"Hey, Nik. How's it going?"

"Fine, I guess," Nikki replies.

"What are you doing?"

"Haven't done much. Just vegging."

"Did you eat?"

"Not yet."

"Well, don't forget. I know you skip meals sometimes. It's not healthy."

"Dude, I'm fine. The cabinets are stocked."

"I know. I just, uh, well, I miss you. That's all."

"Same. I guess I should ask what you're doing, but in a way I don't really care."

Tommy doesn't like that response. It's telling him that Nikki is not liking that he was left out.

"Nothing great. Everyone's been bickering a bit."

"Sounds like a blast, man."

"I guess. What are you planning tomorrow?"

Nikki feels a surge of emotion beginning to swell up inside him. "Tomorrow? I don't know yet. Maybe slit my wrists."

"Haha, you're joking, right?" Tommy asks nervously.

"Of course, stupid," Nikki says, getting antsy, not really wanting to be on the phone anymore.

"Well, behave, OK? Can't wait to see you again, on Sunday."

"I will, and same."

"Love you," Tommy says, looking around first to make sure no one he knew was around to hear him.

"Hey, Tom?" Nikki says.

"What's up?"

"Nevermind. I'm just thinking out loud. Enjoy your weekend, OK? Love you."

"Are you sure? Is something on your mind?" Tommy asks, concerned.

"No. I'm fine. I'm going to get dinner now. I was going to ask where you usually get take-out, but I'm just going to eat in." Nikki says, wanting to get off the phone.

"Oh. Well, it's that place 3 blocks down. We've been there together."

"Thanks. See you Sunday. Love you. Bye." Nikki hangs up.

He sits on the couch, and a stream of tears start pouring out. He should have told Tommy, but he didn't want to disrupt his weekend. It just occurred to him a little earlier that tomorrow is coming, like it or not. He could sure use Tommy home tomorrow. That would be best, but he'll find a way to get through by himself. He always has. May as well stick to tradition.

Tommy senses that something is wrong with Nikki. He seemed distant on the phone and some of his comments seemed to imply something different. He'll call again tomorrow.

\----------------------------------

Tommy is awoken the next morning by Heather. She ordered them breakfast in bed. And the couple decide to spend the day together alone, as the other couples are also doing. They'll all get together again tonight at a comedy club.

"Morning, babe. This is a treat," Tommy says, looking at the spread of food.

"Just have to make sure you're being well fed. You can afford to lose any weight," Heather beams.

"No worries in that department. I eat to the hilt every day. I just went shopping yesterday to replenish our cabinets for Nikki. I don't usually leave him much."

"Oh who cares about him. He should know how to shop. He better not be slave-driving you to pick up the slack on the daily chores."

"We both do our part. I just eat a lot. So I do the shopping too."

"Fine. No more mention of him please. I'm just interested in me and you," Heather says, tapping Tommy's nose.

\----------------------------------

Nikki wakes up and opens his eyes. He looks at the clock. He doesn't want to get out of bed. As a matter of fact, he thinks his best bet is to lie in bed and sleep for as long as he possibly can. Maybe all day. He shuts his eyes again, feeling a hollowness that isn't always present, but it is today. Pain is starting to creep in. He pulls the covers over his head to try to will himself back to sleep. He pushes the covers back off, and reaches for the sleeping pills in the night stand drawer, pours several into his hand and swallows them, desperate to go back to sleep; a place where pain doesn't dwell.

\---------------------------

Tommy and Heather spend the afternoon walking around downtown. While they're in a classy apparel shop, Tommy decides to use the pay phone he saw half a block away, while Heather is trying on clothes with a consultant.

He calls Nikki, but there's no answer. The machine picks up, and Tommy leaves a message. He's a little worried, but it is midday. He could either still be in bed or out somewhere. It wouldn't be unusual for him not to answer on any given day. Tommy walks back to the clothing boutique.

"There you are," Heather says, stomping her foot. "I just had on a dress. I wanted to know what you thought. I was thinking of buying it and wearing it tonight."

"Babe, you look beautiful in everything. You could even make a gingham, prairie dress look sexy. Just buy it, and surprise me tonight."

"Well, since you insist. I think I will get it. Thank you!"

\-----------------------------------

Nikki woke up again around 2:15. He knows now that he's not going to be able to fall back to sleep. So, at this point, he just needs to figure out how to get through this day. He starts by flipping the TV on to MTV. He suddenly realizes that was a bad move. Painful memories well up inside of him. He gets up, and tries to distract himself with food. He wound up not eating anything last night, after Tommy left. He just wasn't hungry. He sees that the answering machine is blinking, as he pours yesterday's coffee into a mug. Two messages. He has a feeling he knows who they're both from. He needs time to prepare himself for one of those calls. The other is probably Tommy. He said he'd call, but Nikki doesn't want that either. It will just make him more lonely. Besides, there's no way to get back in touch with him. He could be anywhere. Maybe he can brave those messages later. He thinks that maybe the best thing now is music on the stereo, his coffee, and his journal.

\-----------------------------------

Heather and Tommy go out for dinner together before the show. Tommy is still plagued with worry for Nikki. He tried calling him again, and still no answer. There's something off, and he can't put his finger on it.

"Tommy, you're daydreaming again," Heather says, tapping her husband's arm.

Oh shit. Sorry, babe. You know me, a dreamer," Tommy tries to smile.

"Wish you would dream up something different for tonight. I just don't fit in with the band. Even the girls. Sharise is very much a free spirit and more accepting of Vince's shortcomings than I could ever be. And Emi is so far up Mick ass, I think that she should change her address to that location. I mean, I try. I know I come from a much more refined place than that two-bit mud wrestler and that back-up singer, who's past her prime, but I still try to engage with them. And forget it with your band tarts. Biggest bunch of morons on earth. So thankful that we're minus one. That's about the only positive," Heather laments.

Tommy can't stand when she starts digging on the band. He and the band are each other's bread and butter, whether she likes it or not. He tries to understand her wealthy starlet background, and not fault her for it, but everyone else, including Sharise and Emi, were cut from the working-class cloth and worked hard to get where they all are. Good thing she's so damn beautiful, and actually quite sweet when it's just the two of them. Tommy decides to avoid a head to head about this. "You really think that Emi is up Mick's ass?"

"The way she hangs on him, and laughs at every damn, unfunny joke, I'd say so."

"I wouldn't mind you being up my ass, baby. Maybe later?" Tommy pops his eyebrows up.

"Ew, not when we're eating. God Tommy. So inappropriate at times."

Tommy frowns and goes back to eating.

\--------------------------------------

Nikki feels on the brink of a breakdown. His heart hurts. He will never forgive himself, ever. He's nothing but a piece of garbage, he tells himself over and over. He should have been better. He should have been there. There's no place to run this year. There's no drugs to hide behind. No alcohol to drown himself in. He's open and exposed to every part of the pain, and it's stabbing through him relentlessly. It won't stop.

He can't let it go. He fucked up, and can't ever change that. The phone has been ringing. He hasn't been able to answer it; closing his ears when the machine picks up. He can't hear that voice, not today. It's the voice that brought his world crashing down. He knows that the person behind that voice is trembling and shaking too. Please pick up, the voice pleads. He goes outside, hoping maybe a walk will calm him down, but his feet don't want to seem to move. He ducks back in for a cigarette and sits on the front step to burn down the cigarette in the cool night air. Nikki can't bear it anymore. Time to take action.

\------------------------------------

Heather and Tommy and the other 2 couples take their seats at their reserved table. It's stand-up night. So far two comedians took the stage and did their shtick. First one got some good laughs. The second, lame. This third one is on the topic of relationships. Hashing out some recycled humor. He's astute enough to notice Tommy and Heather in the audience. He points them out, ad libbing a bit. Cracking a few lame wisecracks, eliciting laughs from the audience.

"So you two have been married about two years now, right? The comedian inquires.

A hostess walking around with a wireless microphone places the mic in front of Heather and Tommy.

"Yes, as a matter of fact. This day 2 years ago was the last full of our beautiful honeymoon," Heather shares.

The comedian continues on with his jokes, making Tommy the butt of them. However, it just dawned on him what day this is. His heart plummets. He has to get home to Nikki. He told him that he'd always be there to hold his hand, and he's not there. He knows that Nikki needs him. God let him be alright. He shouldn't have been alone today.

The jokes are flying, people are laughing, the guys are shaking Tommy's shoulder to rib him. He hasn't heard a single word. His face is flush with worry, but he's trying to hold it together, until this fucking guy moves on to new material. It's taking forever. In reality it was probably 60 seconds that the couple was in the spotlight, but every second felt like a minute. The comedian soon moves on, and the spotlight moves off of Heather and Tommy. She nuzzles into him.

"Hey, babe. I gotta run to the bathroom. I suddenly don't feel well."

"What? You were just fine," Heather says, furrowing her brow. "Tommy," she whines. To protest.

Tommy paces around the spacious bathroom, trying to think of a believable excuse to leave. Two years ago, he came home from his honeymoon the following day, and stopped by Nikki's place later to find him in a nearly catatonic state, pumped full of heroin and sloshed in alcohol. He laid motionless on the floor in his room. Tommy thought for a moment that he was dead. It was 45 minutes of prodding and hugging before Tommy could even understand why Nikki was so far gone. He suddenly went from a near comatose state to hysterics and sobbing in a matter of moments. It was only then he started calling out her name.

Last year wasn't much better. The band was gearing up for their tour. Everyone in high spirits. Nikki had already cleaned himself up, getting off of the dope and coke in preparation for the tour. He was happy and vibrant during the days that followed. Until that one day. He hid away, and drowned his sorrows. Tommy was pretty sure he poisoned himself with alcohol. He was sick and incoherent, when Tommy checked in on him later in night, since he was a no-show at the club. It was on that day that Tommy told himself that he'll never forget again. Yet he did, well almost. Yeah, this counts as forgetting.

Tommy runs the water in the bathroom sink and pats his face with his wet hands, being sure to dampen some of the hair around his forehead. He pulls his jacket tightly closed and goes back out to the table.

"Heath, I don't feel so well. I either got food poisoning or I'm coming down with the flu or something" Tommy says, standing there wrapping his arms around himself, shaking, like he has the chills.

"Well, can't you sit down?"

"No, I think that I should go home."

"Home? Why not the hotel?"

"I'm not sure what I have babe. I don't want to get you sick. I know you have a lot of filming coming up this week," Tommy says, acting like he's woozy.

She sighs. "Feel better. I'll call you later, OK?"

"Maybe if I'm better by morning, we can meet again. I'll let you know," Tommy makes a desperate pouty face. "Hey guys, can you please make sure that Heather gets back to the hotel safely."

"You bet, Tom. Feel better. We'll let you know what you miss," Vince says.

"Thanks," Tommy hobbles out, and when he thinks he's in the clear, he drops the act. He called for a cab already when he came out of the bathroom. When he gets to the front door, the cab is waiting. It takes about 10 minutes to get to the apartments. Tommy feels terrible lying to his wife and leaving the group, but this is more important. He has to get home.

Tommy jumps out of the cab, tossing bills to the driver and rushes to the front door. He bursts through the door and makes a beeline for Nikki's room, not seeing him in the living room or kitchen. Nikki's not there. He checks the floor on the far side of the bed, and the closet. Not there. The bathroom is empty, pulling the shower curtain back to make sure.

Tommy goes into his own room, but it's empty too. God, where's Nikki?! Tommy is panicked. He steps back outside, rounding the corner of the building to see the other apartment. But it's darkened. He wouldn't be there. Where the hell is he. Please Nikki come home. Tommy rechecks the rooms to make sure he's not crumbled up in some dark corner. He sees 4 messages blinking on the answering machine and plays them. Two are from him, the other two confirm what he already remembered about today. Another 15 minutes pass by, and all Tommy can do is pace and stare out the window.

Finally the doorknob twists, and before he knows it, he's staring face to face with a deteriorated Nikki, who's holding a brown bag.

"Oh my god, I was so worried," Tommy says, dashing over to Nikki to throw his arms around him.

Nikki seems confused and leaves his arms hanging at his side.

"I'm here now, love," Tommy says, pulling away from Nikki to look down at his bag.

He takes it from Nikki, steps around him, and throws it outside; whiskey bottle shattering on the pavement.

"Don't need that, love. Come here, I got you. I'm sorry that I wasn't here earlier," Tommy emotes, wrapping his arms back around the bassist.

Nikki melts into Tommy's embrace, grasping onto his jacket, "I miss my Nona," Nikki sobs.

"I know, Nik. I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you. I should have been here."

"She was my life, and I never even said goodbye. I feel so hollow."

"You can use me to cry on all night. I'm not going anywhere. Come on, let's sit, love," Tommy says, leading Nikki to the couch.

"Thank you for coming for me," Nikki chokes out.

"I promised you that I'd always be here to hold your hand. It took me some time, but I finally remembered what today is. You should remind me of these things, Nikki. You know that I'm not always the most organized in my thoughts."

"I wanted to. But I didn't want to ruin your weekend."

"Are you kidding me? The only way that you could ruin my weekend is if something bad happened to you. Spending time with you is my favorite thing to do."

"I just didn't want to put a wrench in the works. You guys had everything planned out."

"I can do fun stuff any weekend. There's only one you, and if you're in distress, that becomes my first and only priority. You were about ready to fuck up your sobriety that you worked so hard for."

"I've been trying to keep distracted all day. I hit a breaking point. I just will never be able to forgive myself, and I continue the pattern by hurting Tom. He called me today because he needs me too, and I can't bring myself to answer or call him back. It hurts, but all I do is create more hurt. I don't learn. I just continue to hurt the people who love me."

"Nik, we're going to call him now, together. I'm going to help you put a stop to this continuing wreckage."

"I'm terrified. It's why I got the whiskey. I needed to feel numb. I thought maybe I'd then find the courage to call him back."

"Well, now you have me. And every year going forward. One day, I'm going to get you to a place where this won't be the day that you grieve your Nona's death, but you instead memorialize her; viewing it as a day to remember that you were loved by someone very special."

"I don't know what'd I do without you," Nikki whispers, starting to feel comforted.

"No place I'd rather be. Fuck, Nikki, I think you may have rescued me. Let's make that call now. I'll be here holding your hand while you do it."


End file.
